Music and Women and Garlic Mashed Potatoes

It was in the early stages of Chuck when:

In the late 1990s, as a youngster in grade school, I invented the flip ‘up in the front’ hair style and the iPod. Though other people like Steve Jobs and Carson Daily took credit for both of these things, it was I who truly first came up with each concept. Growing up with my grandparents I was introduced to the hair style ‘up in the front’ look while I watched 50s and 50s style TV shows like Leave it to Beaver and Happy Days where predominate characters in each had the hair due exactly like a young Chuck Marks. So obviously, I didn’t “invent” the hair style, but I re-introduced it to youth of the 90s. As a third grader, when everyone was socially into the elementary school version of grunge (Ace of Spades), I was kicking it with the ‘up in the front’ look. It wasn’t until 6th grade, when people graduated to the Backstreet Boys, that they realize I was right, and before you know it everyone was using level 8 max hold Xtreme hair gel to completely flatten every inch of their skulls except the very inch from their forehead thus creating a “up in the front” look. Then when I did it everyone called me a poser. Later that year I stopped gelling my hair and started listening to Pearl Jam.

As disappointing as it is to not receive credit for UITF (up in the front), it is much harder to realize that I was the one who came up with the iPod and not get my proper due. Hair styles come and go but Steve Jobs will always be a weirdo. It’s not like I told Steve Jobs my idea, so certainly he did not steal it. And it’s not like I wrote him a letter; at that time, computer screens were still black and green and I was receiving extra help in English (though it was my native tongue). I guess the idea sparked as I was struggling to listen through a scratched and skipping compact disk. See, no matter how much a took care of my CDs, no matter what I did, they always, always wound up scratching. (If I only knew that my CDs would be a prelude to my love life I could have saved myself a lot of trouble and actually studied in school instead of thinking about women… In the end, with CDs and relationships, thinking back I could have given a bit more effort.) Anyway, as our family was coming back from a Christmas party in New Jersey, my CD (being played by a CD player with a 30 ESP), was skipping like little school girl. I put the CD player down in disgust and ask my father how songs get put onto CDs and why CDs were so sensitive. He first said that CDs were not that sensitive and that I just don’t take care of things the way I should. After a lecture on how to properly put my bike away, he then professed that information gets digitally placed on the CD and the player reads the info off of the CD to create the sound, which in my case he claimed was shitty. After defending Beck’s album Odelay for a few inconvincible minutes, I said that the walkman companies should just put the information directly on the CD player without using the CDs. And just call it a player, thus throwing the whole concept of a compact disk out the window… My whole family said it was a good idea, and then we started complaining about garlic mashed potatoes. Now it was understood that garlic mashed potatoes can be a good add on for a meal of this caliber, a Christmas meal, but one also has to have real mashed potatoes too, I mean it’s Christmas not Flag Day. Aunt Dotty didn’t think so. And when I, plate filled with biscuits, turkey, crab cake, stuffing, cole slaw, and other fixings, looked for the potatoes, Aunt Dotty pointed solely to the garlic mashed potatoes. I carefully chuckled, thinking it was a Christmas joke. I looked at the counter behind me. I looked in the oven. I looked in the cupboards. The refrigerator. The Microwave. Behind the couch. Then I realized that there is no such thing as a Christmas joke. This was a Christmas reality. No regular, American made, terrorist free, mashed potatoes. Instead, drastically replaced, Al-Qaeda loving, Mussolini style, garlic mashed potatoes. If there is an antonym for the phrase “Christmas Miracle”, I would use it. And if it wasn’t for Twisted Metal Two on Playstation one, Christmas would have been ruined forever.

Now, over ten years later, my invention the iPod is one of my favorite devices. I have become addicted to it. But like all drugs, the good ones at least, there are some side effects. For one, I can no longer go for a run without listening to the This American Life, Preston and Steve, Adam Carolla, or the Fresh Air podcast (nothing gets me pumped up like Terry Gross). Since I am conditioned to have something playing in my ear while I run at all times, when my jog last an hour or more, I am not able to bear my own thoughts. I keep thinking to myself, “You’re a bad runner because you are a bad person. You are a bad runner because you are a bad person.” I need a little Ira Glass to help me along and get my mind off of things.

But that’s more of a personal problem…

One technical problem with the iPod is something you (as a musician) can take advantage of:

When the iPod is touched inappropriately and goes into the PLAY ALL mode, the songs start aphetically. I can not comprehend the total number of times I inadvertently heard the synthesize drums on the opening seconds of Ah-Ha Take on Me. I can’t be the only one who ever made this mistake.

Though I play the drums and guitar, I am by no means a musician nor do I ever aspire to be in a band (and If I were to ever drum for a band, I assure you that it wouldn’t be a good enough band that could get me hot, tattoo chicks with bangs. Or a band that would ever be on someone’s iPod.) But, as a guy who owns an iPod, I would suggest this to someone with musical skills; whatever your band name may be make sure it starts with an A. If your name is, for example, The AAA’s, and somebody just so happen to have your band on their iPod, but they don’t go out of their way to listen to you, they will be forced to listen to at least the first couple of seconds of your song every single time they touch their iPod inappropriately. Your band could be the next Ah-Ha. See, every time my iPod PLAYS ALL, I am reminded of Ah-Ha. For at least 3 minutes, I think about Ah-Ha. I think about that fun pencil cartoon music video. I think about 80s films. I think about Val Kilmer as a teenager. And if your band was called The AAA’s, I would think about you.*

This is a technical problem, but:

One of the biggest side effects from the iPod, on a societal level, is a much more exigent matter to discuss. Most of us in our mid-twenties can claim that growing up we listened to our music on either a walkman cassette or a CD player. The magic of both of these devices is that it was required to listen to whole albums all the way through. I guess in theory you could skip your way to your favorite song, which is perfectly fine, but if you chose not to sit there in your Grandpa’s Ford Escort in silence, you were kind of forced to listen to the rest of an album as well. This made the album, the record in its entirety, vitality in it self.

So think about this:

If Dark Side of the Moon made its debut in March of 2010, would it have the same effect as it did in March of 1973? Now, there are many different variables that go into this of course. For one, rock music was much more popular back in ’73 than it is now. So the music itself, if made today, would probably be celebrated amongst people who were into today’s version of that style of music rather than the, Justin Beaver centered, larger audience. But, because of the iPod and iTunes, I argue, if Dark Side came out today there would be many more people downloading Money and Time rather than downloading and listening to the album in its entirety. And the lack of this notion, the lack of technology like iTunes which eludes people with the option to download just one or two songs, I say, is the reasons why Dark Side of the Moon has made such a mark on time…(that and it’s cool to fog the air and link the record up to The Wizard of Oz.) The point is I feel that the album is more appreciated because people were forced to listen to the whole thing.

Which poses another question, if an album that came out in the 2000s, but had the equal conception and exotic uniqueness of Dark Side of the Moon—say for example, if Wilco’s Yankee Hotel Foxtrot came out in 1973, would it be now more of a house hold name? Even if a more conventional band, like the very popular group Nickelback were to make a dreadfully experimental concept album, would people listen to it? Or would they only listen to that song about photographs and guys named Joey. Would a band like Nickleback even exist if the iPod were not invented?

I wonder how many bands would not even exist if you couldn’t buy their single on iTunes.

Chapter Two:

There are only a few people, the ones born in my generation, know the true excitement of making a mix tape. Of course there are mix CDs, but for some reason it just doesn’t add up to the rush of putting together a solid mix tape. Sitting there with your hands on the STOP button, waiting for the perfect moment to end the song, followed by the impassioned analytical process of figuring out which song to play next—which of course is based on mood, tape motif, the ending of the previous song, and beginning of the next potential one. Sure, you get all of this pressure while making a mix CD, but if something doesn’t sound quite right—if the order of songs is not in perfect harmony—in a mix CD, the change you make in the playlist is unnoticed. However, when making a mix tape, if you decide to make a change, there will be a loud unavoidable click; therefore allowing the listener know that you’ve made an initial mistake, in which case you are named a failure and you get put on a list.

Making a mix tape also takes time. Unlike a mix CD, where all you have to do is listen to the first and last seconds of each song, when one makes a mix tape one must listen to the entire song. All the way through. And carefully. You can’t just put it on and walk away, you have to sit there and listen to it and stop the tape before the next song begins.

On a side note: whether it’s a tape or CD, putting two songs in order as they originally appear on the album is most likely cutting corners. There are exceptions, most notably, Queens We Will Rock You and We are the Champions.

No pain no gain: It’s really the effort you put in a mix tape that makes it unique and special. Making it easier to mix songs takes the sweat out of it. A sweat that only a few were likely enough to enjoy.

Plus it shows that you care…

I haven’t made a mix CD for a girl in years, but it’s been way longer since I have made a mix tape. I think if I met a girl who would enjoy listening to a mix tape, and had access to a tape player, I would marry her on the spot…

This ultimately brings us to how music affects my love life. See, I want to be able to have conversations with women about music. A girl can be of a different religion, race, or of a different political philosophy as me—she can literally say that we should go back to the gold standard, say that Global warming was created by Nancy Pelosi, be dreadfully convinced that (because of her vast foreign affairs experience) Sarah Palin can solve the Palestine / Israel problem, like garlic mashed potatoes, even love garlic mashed potatoes, be a Dallas Cowboys fan, hate ice cream, hate crab cakes, love canned cranberry sauce, absolutely hate cigarettes, absolutely love cigarettes, absolutely hate hamburgers, be literally the biggest fan of the Big Bang Theory, hates my blog, wears a DARE shirt non-ironically, absolutely love hamburgers, or thinks that Spin City was the only credible thing Michael J. Fox has ever done, and I would STILL like her and STILL date her and STILL marry her if I could have a 45 minute, intelligent conversation about Paul Simons Graceland or John Coltrane’s Giant Steps…and if she likes my two dogs. You know what? Even if the girl like today’s pop music, but hold’s an intelligent conversation about it, I could still dig it. If a girl can fully explain why the forth track of the latest Flo Rida record succeeds on a contextual and socially evocative level, that girl would still be the one for me. The point is, finding a girl who is truly and sincerely and intelligently into music, trumps all other qualities. So, I guess, if you are a girl and you read all of my ramblings on music that eventually got you to the end of this blog—to this very sentence you are reading right now and you were not bored, give me a call and let’s go on a date…you can even wear your vintage, McCain/Palin ‘08 shirt.


Chuck 0ut.

*If you are an artist, feel free to take the name The AAA’s. That is my gift to you.