Merry Christmas, you damn fool.

The ornaments look pretty, but they’re pulling down the branches of the tree.

Over the last decade, maybe longer, there has been an apparent war on Christmas. And just like the “war on drugs”, it will be a constant, never ending problem for people who are concerned and an undemanding annoyance to the others who simply don’t give a shit.

People get angry when somebody says to them, “happy holidays,” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Why? Why get angry? First of all—now I’m not a master of the English language (in fact, I got a C in regular English my Sophomore year of high school)—but if you celebrate Christmas and New Years within a week of each other, that would pluralize the word “Holiday.” If anything, people of Buddhist religion should be offended by such a statement (all they get is New Years and Nirvana). Secondly, if you get really upset when somebody, whether it be a store clerk, mailman, or a kickball referee who seemingly makes up the rules during a playoff game, says to you, “happy holidays,” would you rather them say “take care,” “goodbye,” or “smell you later?” Would you rather them not say nothing at all? I guess what I am trying to say is that when somebody tells me, “happy holidays,” or “have a nice holiday” I am, even for a moment, reminded of what this season means—family, friends, celebration, reunion, crab cakes, ugly yet awesome sweaters, and another copy of Pearl Jams VS (quick note: just because I like the band, doesn’t mean I need another copy of their critically acclaimed, best selling CD).

There is also a lot of controversy about companies like Best Buy, who use the word “holiday” during the “holidays.” And really, again, who gives a shit? Do you really care if the guy selling a 76 inch TV 10% less under a deal called a “holiday sale” really affects the sanctity of the birth of our Savior? The point is, whatever you call it, whatever it is; the meaning behind it is far greater than any word or any phrase preached by man.

I am a Christian. I do understand that the 25th of December is, most likely, not the actual anniversary of Jesus coming to earth, but the annual day we as humans acknowledge the night the Lord popped out of Mary. But, as a Christian, praising God and thanking Him for Jesus, is something I do everyday. Christmas, however, is a bit different, a bit more special. And the reason this is to be is directly associated with the lure around the season.

Traditionally, the opening of the Christmas season is on Thanksgiving (unless you’re Sears, in which case it is August). This is because Thanksgiving is the last holiday before Christmas and it is conveniently one month before the holiday (thus giving plenty of time to get gifts). So as a kid, this was the day you made your present list…

Now a few years ago a great, local, social philosopher named Basenfelder (I forget which Basenfelder it was exactly) created a fool proof plan to get the absolute number one gift on your list. Say you wanted a Playstation Two and Madden 2003, which is a very expensive gift. If you were to comprise a list of things like the new Strokes album or a VHS of Bad Boys 2, and then add to that list Playstation Two and Madden 2003, your parents are more inclined to go with the cheaper gifts (like the action packed thriller ride starring Will Smith and Martin Lawrence). The point is; if you provide a choice between gifts, the parents will most likely go for the least expensive. So what you have to do is comprise a list so outlandish that everything else seems a bit mediocre in comparison.

Say you want that Madden ’03. Now, don’t come off the bat wishing for it right away. In the Basenfelder plan, asking for presents is like dating a girl; bringing a condom on a first date can be a turn off. You don’t want to be too straightforward. Now, this may go against the modern form the Christmas asking process—if Christmas movies from the 50s-1994 have taught us anything, it is that one must plead with your parents to the point of tears for your favorite gift until you find that Christmas is about family values (in which case when you learn this lesson, the gift will miraculously appear before the end credits)…But no, this plan, the Basenfelder plan, has you holding on to your wish until the very last second.

You must first ask for a trip to the moon or Antarctica. Then for a horse. And then for the government to deregulate Four Loco before your date with the girl from Alpha Omega Tri. Then for Canada. Just ask your parents for Canada. Now get a little softer. Ask for the entire collection Masterpiece Theater on Blueray or a one year old Samoyed. Then gradually get less expensive until you reached the bottom of your list, which will be the Playstation Two and Madden ’03. Your parents will have no choice…suckers. Compared to the horse ride on the moon, Playstation Two is a perfectly assessable gift. And before you know it, you’ll be playing with Donovan McNabb on the easy level dominating the other teams until he screws up too many times and gets traded to Washington, who will ultimately bench him for Rex Grossman, all on your brand new Playstation Two. EA Sports: It’s in the game! And it’s a Christmas Miracle!!!

……………….

It’s all in the magic of Christmas. You know, it may be balmy to get caught up in the world of presents. But the idea of giving somebody you love a gift once a year and having a gift given to you, whatever that gift may be, kind of says something about our society. In this rush hush world of Facebook, Blackberries, and Coke Zero, it’s really nice to have a day where everything shuts down and people remember “the love we take is equal to the love we make.” And whether you are religious or not, that’s what Christmas does.

Now although Basenfelder may have rolled his eyes when I wrote about my belief in God’s visit to earth, he was one who truly understood and valued the holiday of Christmas. I feel that whether you are personally an Atheist, Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, or Canadian, the idea of friends and family traveling distances, short and long, to get together under one roof. To have dinner and talk about the year. To speak with frank certainty and careful thought. To reflect. To love. To argue. To forgive. To be as one. That it is a true day of celebration. And whatever you call it or for whatever reason you do it, nothing will take away it’s impact. It is used as a yearly reflection and time of comradely. And if the business of Christmas allows for families, who would not normally see each other, get together, than isn’t it all worth it?

Who gives a shit if people say, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, or Go Fuck Yourself—nothing takes away the celebration of amicableness and the honor of love that comes with Christmas—whether it is 12 days, 12 hours, or just a few minutes on the phone. Soooo……

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! FROM YOUR FRIENDS AT MY BLOG. (WHICH IS JUST ME) (MEANING, YOU HAVE ONE FRIEND)

Quick program note: I actually don’t know if it was Steve Basenfelder or John Basenfelder or even Josh Barbash who told me about the Christmas Present Plan. It could have been nobody. It could have been just me thinking about this plan while I was simply just hanging out with one of the Bases.’ Either way, earlier in this article I definitely stole a line from Johnny Base, and it’s from a speech he gave in either the late 90s or the very early 2000s. Can you guess which one?