Man Man Part One

It’s been a little over 25 years since I first was granted a penis. Since then, I have picked up on a few different behaviors in overall manhood. The common grounds and the confusing counterpoints. A lot of men have many theories on how to be a man. Sometimes the pee pee just isn’t enough. For instance, at work a few weeks ago, one of the stockroom guys walked passed me as I was eating a salad and said, “Grown men don’t eat salad.” Though he said it endearingly and I absolutely take no offense, I felt it ironic because when I later saw him in the warehouse, he was listening to Lady Gaga as it blasted out of a radio. And to note, there was chicken in the salad. And olive oil.

In JR High School, I was socially reprimanded by a peer for dapping my napkin on the grease of a government issued piece of pizza. As though somehow grease from a public school cafeteria is the key ingredient to having a successful penis. Lesson being, there is nothing more manly than high cholesterol. One underscore of middle school is the fact that a banana is best eaten in the privacy of your own home. This poses as a stiff contrary for women. I learned in biology class, and this is a scientific fact, that for women and women only, bananas actually taste better and provide more nutrients if they are eaten either at the beach, by the pool, driving, walking, in the office, riding a bike, or reading a book (if you have hot reading glasses on). So eat those bananas girls! Calcium! Cal-Ci-Yummm!

Food and drink play into gender roles just as much as driving or spicy mustard. I feel that girls get away with a lot more because, simply, they don’t care as much. Ask a girl whether she prefers spicy mustard to yellow mustard and she’ll probably just kiss you on the cheek and change the subject to Ronny and Sammy’s latest fight, cry, make up, and fight again stint. For some reason, girls can not grasp the philosophical and cultural impact of spicy mustard—or simply they just don’t care. They (girls) can walk up to the bar and order an IPA, Miller Lite, Martini, or a Mud Slide, and not think twice. But if you are a guy who wanted to order a Mango Margarita with extra mango’s and a tumble of cherries, somehow you become subconsciously (in the mind of others) as an assured wuss. People may not say anything to you, nor may they even think about it, but deep inside their heads and somewhere in their minds, the idea of a Mango Margarita with extra mango’s and a tumble of cherries becomes a catalyst for inception. Somehow the Mango Margarita becomes a dream walker and plants an idea inside of your head. An idea of the subconscious. No matter who you are or who you think you are—you can be a very progressive person, acceptant of others, and without a single bone of prejudice in your entire body— yet if you see your good friend holding a nice Mango Margarita between his fingers and sipping out of a purple straw, you’re just going to assume that he doesn’t want to watch the Eagles game on Sunday. You assume he has other plans. Now, you won’t be able to figure out why, but there will be something telling you that you shouldn’t even ask if he wants to come. And after the game you say to yourself, “Oh I don’t know why I forgot to ask Jason over for the game. He is a good friend and all of our other friends came. Somehow it slipped my mind.” That’s not a slip of the mind my friend, it’s actually the opposite, that’s your mind, in the most subtle form, telling you something. Mango man probably doesn’t like football.

There are other things, ideas in the subconscious, which provide a keen sense of judgment you may have on another man. I strongly believe, on a more conscious level, that a man’s handshake is a 90% accurate description of the man as a whole. Now a strong handshake may not necessarily make a strong man, but a weak handshake is almost always equal to a weak man. It never fails to amaze me when I get a weak handshake. I mean, it’s amazing. It’s incredible that in the age of the internet, cable TV, and affordable college, some men still can not learn (in any fashion or at any point) that having a weak handshake is detrimental. Catastrophic even. I mean, do the Chinese know this? Do people abroad shake hands properly? If so, I figured out why China is beating us at everything. Even if your father or uncle never explained to you how to properly shake somebody’s hand, wouldn’t you have picked it up somewhere in your 20+ years with a penis? Don’t you get it? It is in the same column as wearing a Speedo on the beaches of the Jersey shore. Don’t you get it? I mean, with Speedo’s, wouldn’t the uncomfortable notion of a constant feeling of ball suffocation be sort of a warning sign that it’s a bad idea? It’s not like Speedo’s really air it all out. And plus, where do stick your money when you go up on the board walk for cheese fries?

Same goes with guys in their twenties or young men in general named Richard but introduce themselves as Dick. I mean, I guess if you grew up in the 70s or earlier and the lingo was okay at the time and it just stuck, but if you are a young man in the year 2011 and you non-ironically go by Dick, don’t you know that it makes you sound silly? I mean, right there on the spot, good handshake or no, if you say, “Hi I’m Dick,” it kind of sounds funny. Don’t you know that in today’s age and culture the word “dick” is a synonym for penis? Walking up to a stranger and saying you’re name is Dick is like saying your name is Penis. As a writer I use synonym’s all the time. I replace a word with another of the same meaning to help prevent repetition. To illustrate this let’s see a conversation between a masseuse and a guy named Dick, but instead of using the word Dick lets pick a synonym…say Penis.

Penis, a shoe salesmen from New Jersey, walks into the massage place named Happy Endings. The Happy Endings employee, Claire, a nice woman in her 20s, approaches Penis with a smile. “Hi, welcome to Happy Endings, do you have an appointment?”

Penis perks up for a moment, “Yes, my name is Penis Wilson. I had an appointment for 3pm,” he says.

“Oh Penis,” Claire reply’s, “I thought you would never come”.

Penis shakes his head, “I know, I’m sorry I was a bit sick and it took me a while to get up.”

Claire playfully pats Penis, “Well Penis, I’m going to make you feel much better. I’m going to rub you hard and I’ll release all of your energy. Then, Penis, you’re going to be completely relaxed.”

Penis smiled and became very excited to be inside of Claire….’s massage room.

See what I mean? But it doesn’t stop there, in addition to being another word for Penis, Dick is also used as a synonym for asshole. “Quit being a Dick.” If your name is Dick you have to understand that people use your name, what you are called on a daily basis, as a way to insult other people. If the saying went, “Quit being a Chuck,” I feel as though I would want to be called Charlie. Rick is a good name. Richard is a good name. So why, why subject yourself to Dick?

Many things go into being a man and having a penis. I have such a long list that I will have to break it apart. This ends the first part. If you have any important theories in what it means to be a man, please tell me. Don’t let me forget anything.

This blog is:

To be continued…..