Two girls, one (world) cup.

I think sports are the best form of reality TV. The thing about soccer is, unlike other sports, the game clock counts up so you know exactly how much time you wasted. I count the amount of time it takes me to watch a baseball game by adding how many empty beer bottles I have on the table and dividing that by how angry I am at Joe Buck.

I think if I really tried to get good at sports I could fulfill my childhood dreams of having sex with hot women. But I think it’s too late for that… You know, soccer players are the only ones who can convince a girl not to wear a condom because he takes a uniquely absurd amount of Vitamin C… Obviously if you play any sport you can probably pick up the typical bimbo sports groupie; i.e. the cheerleader or dancer or stripper off of Columbus Blvd who tries all her life to be an Eagles cheerleader but settles for having 5 dollar bills shoved into her pantaloons. But, see this is the key; if you are a soccer player you can also pick up the cool looking hipster chick (like Free Library chick from my first blog). Hippsters love soccer because Rivers Cuomo and European’s love soccer. People who don’t even like sports say they like soccer because it’s kind of hip—I think it’s because it is the only sport that embraces scarves…

There are two kinds of people who actively go to the gym; young people (ages 19-26) and old people (ages 50 and up). If you are 50 years old and saying, “50 is not old.” Yes it is. Stop kidding yourself. Stop making us younger people feel bad for being young. You’re 50, you’re old; buy a convertible and get over it. Anyway, there is a big gap in age between the two groups of gym goers. And it all comes down to sexual, yes sexual, intercourse. Obviously young people go to the gym because we are looking for a mate—not that we are looking at the gym for a mate (seek last blog), but we want to look good so people of the opposite sex can say, “Well, he may not have a job or aspirations, but man, look at those bi-ceps.” OR “Well, she listens to Nickelback, her voice sounds like the Nanny, and she has never heard of Michael J. Fox, but damn, look at that tight ass.”… Old people go to the gym for the exact same reason. INTERCOURSE! They go to the gym when their wives and husbands are getting to the annoyance level of contemplation. “I don’t know if I would ever get divorced, but if I did, could I still get laid?” they say to themselves as they hold their breath tight in front of the mirror, sucking in that gut. “I’m 50, that’s not too, too old. How would I do in single life”? They get worried. Next thing you know, “Honey, I’m going to join the gym”, the worn woman says to her potato chipped, beer drinking, glazed over husband. She walks away with a hush and a whisper, “I’ll teach him who forgets to iron the pink button up shirt the morning of the big meeting. I’ll show him how lucky he really is.”

People like people with good bodies. Plain and simple. It’s instinctual—woman want a man who can protect them and men want women who can hold her own. Our bodies, for better or worse, cover us from our souls. There’s nobody at the gym in the middle age (28-40 years old), these are the people who are still excited about marriage. Everything is going great. Everything is still kind of new. Pass those chips. Who cares? I’ve got everything I ever wanted. Why count calories when we are so in love? And really, good for them. That’s a cool time in your life, so live it up. I have several friends and even ex-girlfriends and lovers who are either engaged, married, or in a long term relationship and I couldn’t be happier for them. I get it. But for those of us who are still looking for love, we have to remember to pump the iron.

Which brings me back to soccer players. First, let’s face it, all athletes are in good shape—good enough, to you know, be an athlete. But soccer players have a bit of an edge. This is why I think America has never fully embraced soccer. Think about it. I would argue that when it came to making the rules of American sports, the nerds who did so, first took in account the positive reaction 1800s era soccer players received from women. The 19th century version of Bob Costas probably said, “See, I want there to be sports, but I don’t want our women to be gushing over all these athletes. I got the perfect idea. Lets take change the rules of football and allow the players to hit each other. We’ll give them pads and helmets covering their whole face and entire body. Fuck it, let them even use their hands and instead of a net let them just walk the ball pass a line. Get me a pizza, I’m on to something.” We support American football because the sport actually provides opportunities for fat people. We call them linemen. The same can be said about power hitters in baseball. Phillies legend John Kruk once said, “I’m not athlete, I’m a baseball player.” Now baseball doesn’t promote the obese as much as football, so we made our baseball athletes cover their face with a cap and give them silly pinstriped uniforms. The football method applies to hockey as well, “Give them pads and a helmet. Don’t let them show their athletic bodies to our women.” Now I guess basketball players do not have helmets or pads, but they are tall and I read a stat somewhere that said only 45% of women are attracted to men who are a good foot and half taller than they are. So eat it, Shaq.

This brings us back to soccer players. Not only do they not wear hats or pads or helmets, but sometimes they even take their shirts off at the end of the game—which should be illegal. This is America; land of the free and home of the whopper. We can’t have a bunch of cut, athletic assholes parading around a field half naked in front of OUR women. If we embraced soccer, we’ll just open the doors to communism. Or fascism. Or socialism… Ah whatever, I want my America back!